


I'd rather suffer with you, than without you

by siemprefangirling_nuncaunfangirling



Category: SKAM (Spain), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Borderline Personality Disorder, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 20:10:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siemprefangirling_nuncaunfangirling/pseuds/siemprefangirling_nuncaunfangirling
Summary: I can't accept last clip (maldito Sabado 17:46), so I basically wrote down everything I think about Joana's choice and what Cris should do... Enjoy it, If there are errors I am sorry, English is not my mother tongue.





	I'd rather suffer with you, than without you

"We broke up, Amira. She left me."

Reading this message, Amira's heart breaks a little bit, but she is sure this is not even close to what her friend had felt the moment she had written the message. Amira doesn't answer the message: whatever she says, she would never be able to fix her best friend's broken heart. So she leaves the mobile on the bed and starts thinking about Joana… about her eyes looking at Cris as she was the most precious star in the sky. Not that she was with them all the time… but Damn! those were certainly not the eyes of a person, who wasn't in love. The mobile ringing on the bed takes her out of her reverie and she answers the call.

"Hello?"

"Amira, it's Dani. You gotta come here, as soon as you can"

"Dani? What happened? Is Cris ok?"

"No, Amy she isn't. She refuses to eat, she refuses to see anyone in the house… Hell, she won't even go to the bathroom".

Amira feels her eyes filling with tears listening to Dani's voice and words about her friend, so she immediately takes the hijab from the wardrobe and puts it on, ready to go to her friend's rescue.

"15 minutes and I'll be there"

"Ok. Amy?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you, my sister could have never found a better friend"

Amira feels her cheeks unusually hot but keeps her tone steady while answering - "She's also lucky to have you as a big brother, Dani. See you."

"Bye".

Hanging up, she wonders if she should call the girls, but she thinks that if Cris wanted her friends there, she would tell them. Maybe she won't see her either.

 

….

 

Dani sprints to the door as if he was on the field, playing football. He's worried about his sister: that trip to the hospital the other night seemed to have ended well, or at least he thought, watching her sister hugging that girl he had never seen before.

"Amy, thank God you're here. Come in."

"Hi Dani… She's in her room?"

"Yeah, she is. Please, you're the only one, who can help her. Heaven knows she needs you."

Amy can't avoid blushing, while she enters the living room - "I'll try but I can't promise you she will let me in."

 

…

 

Cris is so tired of listening to the endless knockon the door… She just wants to cry until falling asleep, even if she feels that her eyes have already dried up.

"Please, I don't want to see anybody! Go away!"

knock knock

She runs to the door… She will scream her brother to go away and then she will close the door once more for hours…

"I told you to fucking leave me alone, Dan-…"

But it's not Dani. It's Amira… Her Amy, taking advantage of her surprise to enter the room.

"Please Amy, go. I don't want to speak to anyone."

"No, I won't go, Cris. You need to face your problems, not to run away from them".

"I'm not running away, tìa. I'm only chocking on my own tears and feelings, I don't know what happened, one day she loves me, the other she tells me she doesn't love me. That she was confused. That she was with me because of her disease… She couldn't even look me in the eyes for more than few seconds… like she was disgusted by me…"

Cris sees the shadow of a smile on Amira's face…

"Now you smile too… Is that so funny? Joder, what's with everybody?!"

"It's not funny Cris… bueno, a little bit…"

"What the fuck?"

"You have clearly never seen the way she looks at you, haven't you?"

"Amy, please don't fuck with me…"

"Blinded by love…" - she whispers, lightly shaking her head - "Cris… Just think, try to remember her eyes… whenever she has said something to you. Good or bad… Do you remember her eyes?"

Amy's words take some moments to sink into Cris' consciousness, and suddenly, memories of those beautiful chocolate eyes come to her mind: Joana flirting with her, Joana's te quiero on the rooftop, Joana telling her about her disease, angry with her at the park, Joana at the party saying she was sorry, the other day at school, while they were joking, the other night at the hospital, opening her arms to ask her a hug… Not even once, Joana had avoided keeping her gaze steady…

Cris has now a new look in her eyes, if Amira's smile is a sign.

"Go. Go to her and don't let her speak until you haven't said everything you have in mind. Look at her in the eyes and only then, she can speak. Ok?"

"I fucking love you Amira!" - says the blonde, hugging her and kissing her on the left cheek, then she takes the first pair of shoes she can find and runs to the main door - "I'm going out, don't wait for me!"

 

…

 

One day. One fucking day spent looking at the drawing of Cris in her room. And crying. A lot. Thinking about that fucking tear slipping down her cheek. She had wanted to kiss it away, to tell her she was lying. That she loved her. That she had fallen in love with her the very moment they met… But she hadn't. It was the best for Cris. She has to be her girlfriend, not her nurse or babysitter. Cris will find someone better, that's for sure.  Ouch , that hurt.

Steps outside her room, the door opening. Just fucking leave me alone…

"Mom, please… Leave me al-"

"I've already told you… I'm not running away!"

Then her lips are on hers. They're not soft and slow as always, they're harsh, demanding, Cris' tongue brushing against hers, clash of teeth, the door closing behind them. Cris hands are on her cheeks, in her hair, hugging her… And Joana is alright, she feels like a whole once again, tears forgotten.

It's a shame they're not actual champions of apnea, because they have to break the kiss, lungs desperately screaming for air…

"Cris".

"Just stay fucking quiet. Look me in the eyes. And listen to me, Joana Bianchi."

"But..."

"Shh… You're a fucking fool Joana. Your problem is not BPD, but foolishness. You don't want me to have to look out for you, right? You don't want me to suffer? Well, I'm a fucking independent and bright person, Joana. I chose to be with you. No matter your illness. No matter your mood changes… and mine. I'd rather suffer because I chose it than being happy - if I could be happy without you - without having chosen it. And you cannot prevent me from choosing what to do with my fucking life."

"But… my no-days…"

"There won't be no-days… There will be only minutes. The ones will live together. One by one."

"What?"

"Yes, we will live our lives together minute by minute… if you love me, clearly."

"Cris…" - Joana says, on the verge of tears (once again), lowering her eyes.

"No" - the blonde uses her index finger under Joana's chin to keep her girl's eyes on hers - "Keep looking me in the eyes. And tell me you don't love me. I promise you, I will leave. But only if you don't love me…"

Silence is killing Cris - under this new resolution and determination mask, which is about to crumble, there's still the phantom of Joana's previous words, the fear that they could be real - "Joana, please… You owe that to me. Tell me. Either way, I will have my answer".

Joana's eyes are now filled with tears and her voice is shaking - "I… don't… joder! I love you, Cris".

Cris' smile is rapidly covered by Joana's lips, now sweet and caring, their eyes releasing all those joyful tears kept hidden during those endless instants, wetting their lips and leaving on them that salty flavor of happiness.

For the first time ever, with her hands over the especially cute flushed cheeks of the girl she lover, Joana is not wondering how her next attack will be… she is living minute by minute.

**Author's Note:**

> About the look in Joana's eyes... Tell me I'm not the only one who noticed that Joana could not keep her gaze steady while telling Cris she didn't love her, while she definitely eye-fucked her every time she could and, even while arguing she always looked Cris in the eyes...


End file.
